Upstate Metal’s “Your band might suck if…”
Posted by Christine Palmer
Upstate Metal has a sense of humor, and anyone who has gone to any music event from local shows at bars to national concerts at amphitheaters has seen bands that suck. From bad music, embarrassing stage antics, between song banter that would make Helen Keller grimace, or a combination of the three, the worst part is most of these bands will never realize that they suck harder than a shopvac during a power surge. If you know one or more of these bands, you’d be doing the world a great favor if you could show them this list that just might make them show mercy and hang up their poor, embarrassed instruments.
- Your pants are tighter than your songs.
- Your only fans gave birth to your members.
- You’re currently settling a libel suit with the Cookie Monster.
- Your band name consists of four words that have no place sitting next to each other for any reason ever.
- You talk shit.
- You use an intro and that is the best part of your show.
- You think recording that intro and talking with a Brooklyn accent about how tough you are during it is a good idea for the beginning of your album.
- It looks like a family reunion when your band plays out and your mother is the loudest.
- When someone asks you when you’re on and you say we’re on 9th, 3 slots before the headliner.
- When a large part of your fan base takes more than 20 minutes to do their hair before a show and don’t have breasts.
- When people are more likely to buy the tumbleweeds blowing by your merch table than your merch.
- Your doc martens cost more than your guitar.
- You are paying them 5 bucks to take one of your CD’s, and no one will budge.
- All the stickers on your drums are from bands that broke up before you were born.
- If you wear corpse paint and you AREN’T from Norway.
- Your singer books a show and you’re still first to play.
- If you think encore is a metal genre.
- If your band starts playing and everyone leaves the venue, even the alcoholic at the end of the bar.
- When the people dancing during your set look like slightly more effeminate versions of Richard Simmons.
- If you use the word “fusion” at all when describing the bands style.